


Wrong Number, Right Person

by Halfofwhatyouare



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Christmas, F/F, Flirting, Lesbian AU, Texting, and poking fun at each other constantly because of course
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-29
Updated: 2019-12-29
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:28:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22017898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Halfofwhatyouare/pseuds/Halfofwhatyouare
Summary: Katya texts a wrong number and strikes up a conversation with a funny, mystery woman over Christmas time.You know how these fics go ;)
Relationships: Trixie Mattel/Katya Zamolodchikova
Comments: 24
Kudos: 132





	Wrong Number, Right Person

**Author's Note:**

> I know I said I'd be coming back in Jan with something a bit more depressing but I had a lot of spare time over the holidays and thought this would be cute. Texting fics were all the rage back in the day so here's my go at a lil one! Enjoy :)))

Thu 19 Dec, 22:31

+12137996669: Hey Willam, Amy told me you’d gotten a new number since the last time I saw you and she gave it to me. Just letting you know I’m still upholding my side of the bargain - it’s been like 2 years now, I think! So you won’t be hearing from me again but I thought I should update you. Hope you’re good, whore xx Katya

+12135741948: Hi Katya, Amy must have given you the wrong number. I’m not Willam. For starters, my name isn’t a fucking weird misspelling of an actual name and I’m not a whore...but if I was, you could never afford me🙅🏼♀️

+12137996669: I knew she wasn’t concentrating properly! Her cats were existing or something so she obviously couldn’t focus on me at the same time🙄And what’s your name then, if Willam is too out there for you? Linda? Barbara? STEPHANIE?

+12135741948: It’s Gerald.

+12137996669: Really????

+12135741948: 😂no but imagine if it was! Trixie, FYI, and before you ask, yes, really.

+12137996669: Damn, I think I preferred Gerald.

+12135741948: As if! Anyway, good luck with whatever your side of the bargain is, Katie.

+12137996669: Thank you, Tracy. 

Tue 24 Dec, 23:54

+12137996669: Merry Christmas! 🎄🎄🎄Hope you have a wonderful holiday time!

+12135741948: Omg are you 8 or something? 1. It’s not even christmas yet. 2. ARE YOU 8?

+12135741948: (3. Thank you, the same to you)

+12137996669: Add 30 years to that and you’re much closer to my actual age...Don’t you just live for Christmas?

+12135741948: I do love christmas, I gotta say. Things are just a bit shitty this year, that’s all. Also, wow 38, seriously?

+12137996669: Sorry to hear that. I hope it’s not all bad. 

+12137996669: If it’s any consolation, I’m gonna be alone this Christmas with nothing but a freezer full of ice cream sandwiches and a miraculously (for me) expanding waistline. 

+12137996669: I’m 37. I probably should have made sure I’m not texting a teenager too, right?

+12135741948: You’re in the clear. I’m 30, and therefore thankfully (hopefully) not texting a peadophile. If I wanted to do that, I’d message my uncle...

+12135741948: I do not want to do that.

+12135741948: Hold on a minute. ‘Miraculously expanding waistline’? Bitch, we’re all out here already feeling guilty about christmas dinners we haven’t even eaten yet and you’re celebrating some weight gain whaaaat?

+12137996669: I have the very not-at-all-obnoxious and totally relatable problem of not being able to put on weight very easily.

+12135741948: Don’t ever talk to me or my 3 chins ever again. I just have to look at a cheeseburger and I gain 5 pounds.

+12137996669: Nothing wrong with that!

+12135741948: 🙄easy for you to say, twig woman.

+12137996669: I’m serious! Especially around this time of year, there’s way too much societal pressure for women to conform to expected beauty standards, to the ideal of a thin, white, able body. Take up space! Devour!

+12135741948: Pop off, sis. Sounds like you’re encouraging me to turn to cannibalism or something. That’s not my gig but maybe I won’t feel so bad about having a second helping of dessert tomorrow, now. 

+12137996669: Glad to be of service.

Wed 25 Dec, 21:47

+12135741948: Just thought you’d like to know that I had an extra plate of yule log and my stupid brother’s wife’s comments about it didn’t affect me one bit! Well, maybe a little. I mean, I’ve just locked myself in my childhood bedroom with 2 bottles of wine and a box of chocolates but it’s totally unrelated. 

+12137996669: Seems like you’re better off alone.

+12135741948: Story of my fucking life. I don’t know why I thought it’d be a good idea to come here for the holidays. 

+12135741948: Sorry, I’m a bit drunk. You don’t want to hear about my lame family problems when it should be all peace and joy to the world blah blah blah. How’s your ice cream?

+12137996669: Kind of lost its appeal after five of them. I don’t really like food anyway.

+12137996669: We can talk about it, don’t worry. It’s not like I’ve got a crowd round right now. You’re safe, right? It’s not like that is it? 

+12135741948: No, not like that. I mean, it was when I was a kid. My stepdad was totally fucking abusive amd violent and shit but that’s all in the past so there’s no danger now. 

+12135741948: Oh wow, I’m texting a stranger about my traumatic childhood on christmas day. This is...something.

+12137996669: This is the most social interaction I’ve had since I saw Amy and got your number by mistake, that’s what this is😂

+12137996669: What happened when you were younger really sucks. I’m glad you’re not caught up in that now. 

+12135741948: Yeah me too. I try and not let it ruin the life I’ve made for myself away from it all.

+12135741948: I’m a total stereotype btw. No dad, no father figure, liked Barbies way too much, TOTAL DYKE.

+12137996669: Ha! Me too! The dyke part, that is. My dad is, strangely, perfectly acceptable and actually kind of wonderful and definitely still alive. 

+12135741948: You, on the other hand…

+12137996669: 😂😂😂shut up, you cunt!

+12135741948: Hey, if I stopped talking to you god knows when you’d speak to someone next!

Katya (Surname?): I can just say Candyman in the mirror five times and summon a friend.

+12135741948: One look at you and Candyman will probably run for the hills screaming.

Katya (Surname?): Oh my god, I hate you. I hate you!

+12135741948: Tell me to stfu if I am bothering you…

Katya (Surname?): Not at all. I’d dare to say I was having fun but it seems a bit inappropriate to say that when you’ve told me about your shitty stepdad. 

Katya (Surname?): And I also don’t want to inflate your ego.

Katya (Surname?): But mainly the first thing.

+12135741948: 🙄it’s fine, I’d rather someone get some amusement from what happened to me than piry me or whatever.

+12135741948: *pity 

Katya (Surname?): Well in that case, tell me more.

Trixie: Ok so one time he lost it with me because I decided to wear earrings to school. Called me a slut, said I was out to attract attention and that I was gonna get pregnant and embarrrass the whole family, threw a shoe at me??? Because that solves everything??

Trixie: Joke was on him cause they were a bday present from the girl I used to secretly makeut with in his truck and I wore them every fuckin day.

Katya (Surname?): GAY

Katya (Surname?): That’s so brilliant and gay. Good for you!

Katya (Surname?): We love some formative lesbian high school experiences. 

Trixie: Now you tell me something. I’m afraid I’ll spill my worst secrets to you cause I’ve just opened my second bottle. 

Katya (Surname?): Well, where to start? I usually like to let people know I’m a former drug addict in recovery.

Trixie: Oh, ok. Is everything alright now? I don’t have much experience with that sort of stuff but I’m assuming it’s pretty tough to work through.

Katya (Surname?): You could say that, yeah. I’m fine right now. Thank you. 

Trixie: Is that what your side of the bargain was about?

Katya (Surname?): Yeah. Willam used to deal me my weed (I’d get my meth from other people) but when she saw I was relapsing she wouldn’t give me anything. I promised her to sort myself out if she patched things up with my friend Courtney. Long story but it’s all good now.

Trixie: Relapsing? You mean you’ve been asdictrd more than once?

Trixie: Also thank fuck for autocorrect cause everything is so fuzzy rn.

Katya (Surname?): Yeah, quite a few times. Hard to break a habit of a lifetime.

Katya (Surname?): Go to sleep, idiot, your dysfunctional family will still be around tomorrow!

Trixie: Thanks, that’s so comforting. Night, Katya, thank you for talking with me.

Katya (Surname?): Sleep well, it’s been my pleasure.

Thu 26 Dec, 07:03

Trixie: Well I was a mess last night…

Katya (Surname?): I’ve seen much worse, believe me.

Trixie: When you look in a mirror? 😜

Katya (Surname?): Hilarious.

Trixie: So I’ve been told. What are you doing today?

Katya (Surname?): On my way to my yoga class. You?

Trixie: Avoiding my family until absolutely necessary. Flying home tonight though yay!

Katya (Surname?): Good luck until then. Namaste ;)

Trixie: Have fun at yoga.

Trixie: Can you have fun at yoga?

Trixie: Sounds like hell to me.

Fri 27 Dec, 06:55

Katya (Surname): Sorry I never replied. I was too blissed out from all the fun I had at yoga.

Trixie: How dare you, I have been waiting by the phone like a 50s housewife.

Katya (Surname): Ooh, nightie on and your hair in rollers?

Trixie: For sure. Dinner’s already in the oven and I’m about to get through the rest of my day by overdosing on my mother in law’s medication.

Katya (Surname): My mom only takes B12 vitamins, you can’t overdose on that.

Trixie: You’d know! (Just joking)

Katya (Surname): You’re right, I know all about the benefits of B12 ;)

Trixie: Hahaha!

Katya (Surname?): So how does it feel to be back? Where are you even back to?

Trixie: Echo Park, baby! Feels sooooo good. My friend Kim came to pick me up and we had a lovely night in - face masks and everything. It was just what I needed😊

Katya (Surname?): Friend? FRIEND?? What is friend?! 

Katya (Surname?): Sounds great. Now does that mask cover your entire face and is it permanent? 😜

Trixie: If it did, I’d recommend it to you straight away. No more scaring children! 

Katya (Surname?): I think you’d quite like my face if you saw it…

Trixie: If you ever fancy sending me a pic, I’d be happy to pick apart your flaws and count all your wrinkles, old lady. 

Katya (Surname?): Wow, what a tempting proposition. Let’s see...Speak later💃🏼

Trixie: Speak later😘

Fri 27 Dec, 23:16

Katya (Surname?): So what do you look like?

Trixie: The chemical burn from a spiral perm, you?

Katya (Surname?): HAHAHAHAHA that’s great😂😂😂

Katya (Surname?): Suspiciously like the lizard that I burnt when I was younger. 

Trixie: Hot. Literally!

Katya (Surname?): Too hot to handle.

Trixie: I bet...I’m blonde, 5’10”, big boobs and wide hips. 50s dream gal. 00s nightmare 😜

Katya (Surname?): I would happily let you keep me up at night ;)

Trixie: That is so bad. 

Katya (Surname?): Hahahaha I know right!

Trixie: Tell me what you look like as well (just so I know the wanted posters on Hollywood blvd aren’t for you)

Katya (Surname?): Also blonde with a totally charming home cut fringe, bit on the thin side but my trainer’s helping me get a chunky ass, 5’ 8” and I’ve got a dazzling smile😎

Trixie: I hate to admit it but if that was an ad in the back of an old school lesbian zine, I’d totally ring you up.

Katya (Surname?): Thanks, I guess?

Trixie: 😂no, seriously, I know it might be a bit weird to some people but I’ve enjoyed messaging you these past few days.

Katya (Surname?): I’ve enjoyed it too. Tell me more about yourself.

Trixie: I’m a realtor, I collect vintage Barbies and I’m not ashamed about the fact that I have 5 dollhouses. I like makeup and 60s/70s fashion and bitching about typical straight people who are married and have kids and who for some reason think that that makes them better than everyone else. What about you?

Katya (Surname?): Straight people are the worst, kids or none. 

Katya (Surname?): Just how many Barbies are we talking here?

Katya (Surname?): Being a realtor seems awful to me but then again I don’t really have a proper job and that might sound awful to you. 

Katya (Surname?): I watch a lot of films, into proper witchy shit (not what the kids do for instagram aesthetics or whatever), do yoga, as you know, and draw/paint/make art whenever I can.

Trixie: Last time I counted I had over 175 Barbies. I’d understand if you no longer want to talk to me😂 I love being able to match people’s needs to their huge major purchase. And also the theatre of it! Dress nice, air freshener, put some cookies in the oven. What’s your improper job then?

Trixie: Damn it, you sound even cooler now. Fuck you - I wish I could draw properly. All I can manage is designs for clothes for when I actually have the time to sew, which is nowhere near as often as I’d like. 

Katya (Surname?): 175, that’s disappointing, I was only going to keep talking to you if you had 200 or more. 

Katya (Surname?): I make costumes for my friend Violet. She’s a burlesque and aerial performer but seeing as she does a one woman show, it’s not like it’s super super demanding work.

Katya (Surname?): Do you make clothes for yourself? I can picture some daringly short 60s a-line dresses in glaring prints. Am I off the mark?

Trixie: OH MY GOD THAT’S SO COOL WTF. It must be pretty intricate though, those kinds of costumes and corsets are covered in detailing! I only make clothes for myself, yeah, and you’re exactly right with the looks I’m obsessed with at the moment. I shop online vintage stores too but there’s nothing quite like finding some material from the actual time period and making it fit me perfectly.

Katya (Surname?): Yeah sometimes I don’t want to see another sequin ever again but then I see her on stage in what I’ve made and it’s worth it. Violet’s so fucking young and hot though, she’d genuinely look fucking fashion as fuck in a fucking trash bag. I hate that bitch. 

Katya (Surname?): Seems like you have a real striking aesthetic…

Trixie: 😂I don’t think you hate her, I think you want to wear some of her stuff every now and then.

Katya (Surname?): Who says I haven’t already?!

Trixie: Now there’s an image. We’d make quite a pair, right? 60s Barbie fantasy with a skeleton in a corset.

Katya (Surname?): Hahahahaha😂😂😂perfect! They say opposites attract.

Trixie: And what’s more opposite of me in the prime of life than you?!

Katya (Surname?): You’re terrible.

Trixie: You like it.

Katya (Surname?): Maybe…

Trixie: I gotta get my beauty sleep now. Night, Katya😘

Katya (Surname?): I doubt you need it. Good night, sweet dreams😘

  
  


Sat 28 Dec, 08:15

Trixie: Where do you live?

Katya (Surname?): Melrose. Why, are you outside my house stalking me and just checking you’ve got the right atomic blonde?

Trixie: 😂atomic blonde! That film was a let down btw. No, I was just wondering if we were close. Now I know you’re rich I can’t have anything to do with you…

Katya (Surname?): It sucked! Charlize Theron completely copied my hairstyle, too. We’re close...And you’re stuck with me now.

Trixie: I was gonna ask you to send me a pic anyway but now I need to see whether you look better than Ms Theron so cough up the goods, blondie ;)

Katya (Surname?): Ok, one sec. Let me find a pic that isn’t my best so you won't be disappointed if we ever meet in person but isn’t my worst so you won’t be left emotionally scarred.

Trixie: I like your thinking.

Katya (Surname?): 

That’s from a party a few weeks ago.

Trixie: Katya, you bitch! 😂😂😂 I meant a pic where I can fucking see your face! I knew you were the human embodiment of pale man already, give a girl something new!

Katya (Surname?): Fine…

Trixie: Your lips are to die for, though 😍

Katya (Surname?): Shut up, you’re distracting me from my search.

Trixie: ;)

Katya (Surname?): 

Katya (Surname?): Here I am eating some mango (not flowers, I promise).

Trixie: sdkdfljeefkf OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK

Trixie: THAT’S your ‘not my best’ photo?! Holy shit, woman! Your eyes, your tats, your hair. Charlize could never!

Trixie: Marry me👰🏼💍💒wife me the fuck up😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍 

Katya (Surname?): 😂I’m a good catholic girl, I’d have to take you out at least once first…

Trixie: Would you really? You don’t even know what I look like.

Katya (Surname?): Return the favour then.

Trixie: Ok, but I warn you. I look nuts.

Katya (Surname?): And I don’t?! I am nuts! At least you only look it ;)

Trixie: 😂😂😂 fair enough. Ok...here goes.

Trixie: 

Trixie: Taken on a polaroid camera to round off the retro vibes ofc! 

Katya (Surname?): Oh my god.

Trixie: ?????

Katya (Surname?): I’m dead.

Katya (Surname?): You’ve killed me, slayed me.

Katya (Surname?): I’m in heaven, I see god and Ariana Grande is right, she’s a woman. 

Katya (Surname?): TRIXIE YOU ARE SO FUCKING HOT👅I’m soaking wet just from this.

Trixie: Good to know you’ve not dried up in your old age.

Trixie: Thank you, coming from you that’s the best compliment ever. You’re absolutely out of this world, I can’t believe I’ve been talking to such a babe. I’m so lucky!!

Katya (Surname?): Urgh!

Trixie: 😂

Katya (Surname?): Let me take you out. Tonight, if you’re free?

Trixie: I’m free, I would love that oh my godddddd.

Katya (Surname?): I have a few ideas myself but is there anywhere you’d like to go? Anything I should know about like food allergies or general allergies or restraining orders?

Trixie: Only restraining orders I know of are against my stepdad and my pedo uncle (I’m not like my family, I swear).

Trixie: I’m vegetarian, no allergies, 100% stereotypical lesbian minus the cat, they’re not for me.

Katya (Surname?): Perfect 😂How’s about a walk around Hollywood Forever Cemetery and a picnic? I can’t cook for shit but there’s a farmer’s market near me and I can pick up some nice food. I don’t drink but I can get you some wine too?

Trixie: That sounds so amazing, I’m melting at the thought of you doing that for me. I can cook, however, so just get some chips and juices and something for dessert and I’ll do the rest. I won’t be drinking either.

Katya (Surname?): Don’t not drink because of me, it’s all fine.

Trixie: I know! I just want to be able to remember every second with you clearly, and I want to be 100% myself with you cause I know I can be. 

Katya (Surname?): Ok, as long as you’re not just saying that because I’m sober.

Trixie: No, if this goes well, I’ll get drunk on our second date and act completely inappropriately with you in public. Sound good?

Katya (Surname?): Sounds like you’re my dream woman.

Trixie: You’ve no idea…

Katya (Surname?): Can’t wait to find out. 

Trixie: Meet at 5 on the sidewalk outside the main entrance?

Katya (Surname?): Great. See you then, gorgeous.

Trixie: See you then 😘

Sat 28 Dec, 16:55

Trixie: Here!

Katya (Surname?): 2 mins away. Sorry in advance - I’m really sweaty.

Trixie: I think you’ll be getting me all hot and bothered in no time, too.

  
  


Sun 29 Dec, 11:11

Katya Zamolodchikova: You left your underwear!

Trixie Mattel: I am well aware. You’re welcome ;)


End file.
